Hetalia US States
by cowspot
Summary: When the other countries blame America for being late, he tricks them and their bosses into staying at his house for a month... along with his 50 states! They think it'll be easy, but with New Jersey and New York trying to kill each other, Texas destroying anything in his path, and Wisconsin's unstable mental state, who knows what they'll do?
1. Meet the States

**I don't own hetalia! :) But if I did, it would totally be APH lD**

The personified countries of England, Russia, France, Japan, Germany, Italy, and China were all told to meet America at his house, so they gathered on his porch step.

America glanced at the other countries, and grinned maniacally. The other nations were constantly shooting down his ideas, and punishing him for being late. They'd be late, too, if they were forced to live in these conditions! One day, he had come up with a fiendish plan to get his sweet, sweet revenge. See, he'd called all of the other country's bosses. He talked it over with them, and they said they would LOVE to have their nations visit the US. After all, he was extremely powerful, and they definitely thought it was a good idea to get on his good side. "Hey, dudes! Glad you could all make it! This month you can all enjoy America, like-" he was interrupted by the loud voice of New York, radiating from the inside of his home. "WHAT THE HELL, JERSEY!? WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU IN MY ROOM!?"

Quickly, America stepped back inside, and screamed, "SHUT UP, NEW YORK! I TOLD YOU, YOU HAVE TO BE QUIET!"

"Vat vas that?" Germany asked skeptically.

America grinned, turning back. "Nothing! Nothing at all. Ahem, anyways, you can do whatever here! Lounge around or... whatever. Enjoy! Come in, now."

The other nations were unsure of what to do. Why was he being so genuine, and who was that from the inside of the house? Slowly, one by one, they all made their way inside. They were, unfortunately, told by their bosses that they had to go to America. To 'get on the good side' of him, supposedly.

The second they walked in, the house erupted in chaos.

Vermont was the first to greet them. "Run, RUN, RUN BEFORE YOU DIE!" he screamed.  
Texas emerged from the corner of the entrance way. "Ya little FUCKER! GET BACK HERE!"

England was closest to the door. He whirled around and desperately yanked at the door knob, but found it wouldn't open.

America grinned, and yelled, "Sorry, gotta stay! Feel free to meet the kiddies, and don't let Texas kill anyone!" With that, he slipped out the door, and closed it from the outside. He'd actually hired someone to modify the door, specifically for this prank. "Run, run!" he screeched at his driver, leaping into the limo as it sped away.

Japan looked uncertainly at the others. "I berieve America-san has tricked us. I worry for our well being."

England grunted. "Bloody hell, I knew we shouldn't have trusted that git!"

Italy smiled, "Yaaay~ I love kids!" he was the bravest, or, perhaps, stupidest, of the bunch, and quickly led the way into the house.

The countries were greeted with the lovely site of New York strangling New Jersey. "Damn ite!" wheezed New Jersey, slapping desperately at his least-favorite brother, "Let me go!"

"FUCK no!" New York screamed as New Jersey turned blue. "I've told ya a thousand times, God damnit!"

New York looked to be about 17, and New Jersey of similar age. New York had short, straight blond and brown eyes. He wore a gray sweatshirt with the words "I love NY" printed across it and black jeans. New Jersey, on the other hand, was fashion-impaired, so his outfits were similar to Britain's. He had blue eyes and brown hair.

Texas burst into the room, shouting, "Shut up, ya'll! Remember, we've got us some company!"

He, on the other hand, had a heavy southern lisp, blue eyes, brown hair, wore a brown cowboy hat, and a plain shirt and pants. He was the very image of cowboy stereotypes.

Vermont, who had black hair and purple eyes, eagerly took this as a chance to get away, and slipped from Texas's gaze.

"How-day, partner. Good ol' 'merica* told us you were stayin'. Thanks to you two, these lovely people," he gestured to New Jersey and New York, New Jersey having gotten New York into a headlock, "are stayin' in the same room. Speakin' o' which, you ought to meet the fam."

He looked at New York. "Hey, idgit! Yell."

"Fine," he grumbled, looking up from his tussle with new Jersey. Clearing his throat, he screamed, "Yo, GET YA ASSES DOWN HERE AND MEET THE NATIONS!"

No one can yell like New York. Everyone hurried down, and gathered before the poor countries.

China gulped, "America is a douche, aru! He owe me money, now think we should train his pets?"

Germany, looking depressed, mumbled, "I vink ve have no choice. Ve have already agreed to stay here."

One by one, all fifty states introduced themselves.* When they were finished, England sent them away. They proceeded to yell, scream, fight, and be general assholes. After nearly ten minutes of this, Germany screamed in his usual manner. Like he did at world conferences. "EVERYONE, QUIET!"

The entire house was, quite suddenly, shrouded in silence. Unfortunately, there were children there. Wyoming was nine, and Hawaii was a baby. They all erupted in a fit of weeping. New York responded in his signature yell, not all that different from Germany's, if you disregard their accents. "GREAT, just fuckin' SWELL. THESE THINGS NEVAH SHUT UP WHEN YA GET 'EM STARTED."

Germany collapsed into a pit of depression, and Russia laughed as he stared at the crying children. Texas, attempting to use his southern charm, flirted with California, New Jersey proceeded to punch New York in the head, and all of the nations (excluding Russia, because, hell, I'm not dedicated enough to this fanfiction to dare looking in his mind. It's freaky, guys.) had the same exact thought: _I want to die_.

**Well. That was fun. xD Review please! This is my first ever fanfiction. c: I plan to continue it! Alaska is older because she is from Russia, so... I dunno. cx NEEDS MORE FRANCE. AND PRUSSIA. EVEN THOUGH PRUSSIA WON'T APPEAR. BUT IT NEEDS MORE OF HIM.**

**Side note:**

**NEW YORKERS. YES.**

**Take that, New Jersians! :D If you can't tell, I'm a New Yorker... xD**

***FUCK YEAH**


	2. The Breakfast War

**I don't own hetalia! Poor, poor little countries ;;**

England shuffled absently into his room. He was, unfortunately, bunking with Russia and France. Naturally, he'd called his boss in outrage. HOW was he supposed to stay with those... _creatures_...for an entire month? Sadly, England's boss was just _thrilled _with the idea. _What's better than this? _he'd said. _Imagine how happy America will be with you if you take care of his states! _ Unfortunately, his boss didn't believe how hectic his day had been. England contemplated committing suicide, but decided against it. He glanced at France, whom he had to share a bed with. _Well, it's better than Russia, right? _he told himself, trying so, so hard to be optimistic.

"_Angleterre dort avec moi?" _France said, grinning at the prospect.

"Shut up, frog!" exclaimed Britain, despite having no idea what France said. France will have sex with anything. Literally.

As he begrudgingly lay down, there was a knock at their bedroom door. Terrified, France looked up and screamed, "_Pas!_ Wh-who ever's there, g-go away!"

A tolerant voice grumbled, "It's _me. _Tobias. I mean, Vermont. I'm going to help you."

France was, suddenly, delighted. "_Merveilleux!" _he yelled, hopping out of bed and opening the door. "It's wonderful to see you, Vermont!"  
Vermont nodded. "You, too. Listen. I'm here to help you, France. Which means I'm helping the other nations, too." he didn't acknowledge Britain or Russia. "Mornings aren't fun here. And I'm sure your being here won't improve anything. I'll help you, on one condition. You protect me from Texas. I don't know why, but he has it out for me. Maybe 'cause I'm gay. I don't know." he expectantly looked around, and France nodded happily. "Good. Basically, when you get up, it'll be a war zone. Keep low, avoid talking to anyone, and try not to be spotted. You," he looked at Britain suddenly, as though only now noticing that he was in the room. "avoid the New England states. They really, really hate you. Well, except for me, maybe. But no one can know I'm talking to you." turning back to France, he continued, "Actually, you should all avoid New York. He's really super violent when he doesn't have his coffee. And, trust me, being with New Jersey doesn't help. If you want to eat, you'd better get up early. Really early. Don't get in between anyone and their food, or you _will _die. I'm not joking. Especially with Colorado. Oh, and avoid Michigan and Ohio. We try not to let them see each other. They hate each other more than New Jersey and New York. And avoid Wisconsin. At all costs. He's mentally deranged, I'm telling you." looking back at England, he repeated, "Seriously, though, avoid the New England states! They're probably plotting against you. Hopefully, you should be able to survive the morning. If you do your job, I'll tell you more." He waved, and hurried out of the room.

England was dazed. This was worse than he thought. _Protect him from Texas? _he thought, _How am I supposed to do that!? Texas must be taller than Germany. I'll be too busy surviving. Or, at least, trying to. _he added grimly.

Russia smiled, "This will be fun, da?" he said pleasantly, rephrasing his statement so that it was a question. Again. (A/N: If you couldn't tell, this series is and will continue to be stupid.)

England awoke, gasping. He'd had a terrible night of nothing but nightmares. France, who was already awake, glanced at him uncertainly. "_J'ai peur,_" he murmured, "I am scared. Very, very scared."  
England, who was still in a haze from just waking up, forgot about Vermont's sober warning. He clambered out of bed, and, yearning for some tea, stepped out of the safety of his bedroom. In the narrow hallway of America's 3rd floor, staring England in the face, was Massachusetts, holding something along the lines of a grenade. Suddenly, last night came rushing back to him, along with faded memories of the boston tea party.

"N-now, M-massachusetts, there's no need for this!" England stuttered, stumbling back. Massachusetts, blank expression on his face, stepped forward. "I-it was a long time ago!" he pleaded.

Massachusetts chucked the grenade at Britain, who gasped, horrified. The explosion hit him, and erupted into possibly the worst stench ever. _A... stink bomb? I'm not going to die!? _"I'm ALIVE!" Britain choked, though he nearly fainted from the horrendous odor.

"You're lucky I don't have any tear gas." snarled Massachusetts as he fled.

_My life is going to be living hell for a month... I really hate teenagers, _Britain thought.

For another three hours or so, all the countries camped out in their separate rooms. "_Cher Dieu, vous odeur mauvaise!" _France whined for about the fiftieth time. "I cannot stand being in the room with you any longer, food defiler! You smell almost as bad as your scones."  
France had only just barely been able to work up enough courage to open the door. Quickly, a loud wave of screaming, shouting, and general unpleasantness hit him. He gulped. "Ah, France!" Germany, who was also outside, murmured, also clearly trying to suppress his fear. Only doing a much better job. "Good to know vat I vill not be ve only one brave enough to venture downstairs. I assume ve one called Vermont talked to you last night, too, right?"

France nodded, and hastily turned to the long hallway stretching before him. "We should just go quickly, and get some food. It will be easy. B-but we shouldn't go alone, right? The more people there are, well, maybe the states will be intimidated."  
Germany nodded. "Yes, and I suppose ve vill be better off together. Besides, they're just small states, and ve are huge countries. I vill go get China, Japan, and Italy. You get Britain and Russia." the taller country turned, and walked solemnly back to his room.

About ten minutes later, as France was yanking the smelly Brit's arm, a shriek literally shook the entire house.

"BREAKFAST!"

Britain nearly collapsed in relief. "If they're calling us for breakfast, that means we probably just overreacted, right?" he said, smiling a bit. France shrugged, "I suppose so, let's go then."

Not two minutes later, they were all downstairs. Surprisingly, Vermonts somber words weren't too far off the mark. New York was practically in a knife fight with New Jersey, in between stuffing bacon in his face and yelling about baseball to Massachusetts. "Red Soxs SUCK! Yankees are- HEY, JERSEY, the FUCK!? I'M CONVERSIN' OVA HEA!"  
"Language!" Delaware hissed, "Hawaii can't be exposed to thi- FLORIDA! MAKE TOOTHY STOP FIGHTING WITH JUNO!"

Alaska's dog was locked in 'Toothy's', Florida's alligator, jaws as he snarled and yapped ferociously.

"JUNO!" Alaska screamed, as she proceeded to punch Toothy in the back of the head.

Wisconsin laughed as he walked over. "Do not worry, Alaska," he said in his odd, Canadian-like accent, "I can do this." he squatted down, and bit Toothy in the eye.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Ohio was nimbly dodging all of the knives that Michigan was hurling at him. California, on the other hand, was busy gabbing into the phone about who-knows-what, while Oregon desperately tried to discuss some politics with her. Probably something semi-important.

All of the nations were appalled by the state's behavior, but none more than Germany. He was especially resentful at the way Texas sat with his feet on the table. "HEY!" he screamed at the state, "You all need to be DISCIPLINED! Vat is wrong vith you, putting your feet on ze table!?"  
Texas's response to this was somewhat along the lines of "Well, then, if ya thank bein' polite's so important, then ya'll should try it yerself."

At that, Germany's eye twitched. "VELL, I am a NATION. Vou are but a puny state!" he snarled, as he turned away.  
Texas, self conscious at him now being the _second_ largest state in the U.S., shot up. He proceeded to have a very long, very drawn out, er... 'tussle', of sorts, with Germany. But I don't want to get into the details. Let's just say, Toothy went somewhere no one should have to go, alligator or not.

Texas plays dirty.

Almost as Dirty as Nevada.

AAANY-way, moving on from that, Germany was a casualty, and Italy was heartbroken. He turned, and suddenly, was face-to-face with Louisiana. "AAAH!" he yelped, frantically waving his makeshift white flag, which was constructed with a napkin and a straw. "PLEASE DON'T HIT ME, I'M VERY FRAGILE AND I'M SORE ALL OVER! OH GOD NO PLEASE, GERMANY, HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!"

Louisiana just stared at him blankly. "Er, if you want, you can have some food..." he stepped aside to reveal a platter of bacon, eggs, pancakes, and waffles. The countries jumped at this chance, and stuffed all they could into their faces.  
Italy turned back to look at Germany and Texas. "Leave him!" shouted China, "There no going back for him now!"

After that, the nations all retreated back to their guest rooms, Texas *** and ********* and ***** ******* to Germany.

Like I said, he plays dirty.

**Murrr. I tried ;;. It's better than my first one, at least.**

**Poor Germany D: I want to introduce more charactersssss. But there's so many. So, so many... Please Review! :D**


	3. Stephen King Theory

**Omaigawd. People actually like this fanfiction? **

**You people make me feel so special ;u;**

**Oh, and don't expect anything accurate. I don't really do research. At all. ;; I ONLY KNOW WHAT THY TELLS ME.**

About 20 minutes after the whole breakfast fiasco, Germany came crawling back to his guest room. "Eeeeh, hello?" he grunted.  
From the inside of his room, Italy shrieked, "EEEK! Zombies~ the zombies are coming to EAT MEEEE! White flag, zombies! I know you can't see me, but white flaaag! I'm -ah- waving a white flag!"  
Germany stumbled to his feet, knocked on the door, and growled, "It is Germany."  
Quite suddenly, the door swung open, and China yanked Germany into the small room. "What happen back there?" he asked.  
Germany shuddered, "I don't vant to talk abo-"

"GERMANY, YOU'RE ALIIIIIIVE! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY~" he flung himself at Germany, who stumbled backward at the surprise embrace.  
"Eh, yes, I am. But zat vas terrible... please get off me now."  
Italy hopped off Germany and danced around in a circle for 15 minutes. A sudden knock at the door was greeted with a, "WHO IS IT?" by Germany.  
"It's Vermont!" called the voice from outside.  
The door clicked open, and Vermont greeted them with a small grin. "Hi," he said, "you did good, fighting Texas. Texas is kinda... er... strong. Mean. A-anyways, you did your part, so... you know," he trailed off, and simply smiled at the nations again. "Er... unless you just wanna sit around in your rooms, you could go out or something. Maybe you could hang out with the less... excitable states. Like, you know, Maine. And Minnesota. Oregon's cool, too. Utah's not too crazy, either, and neither is Illinois. They all hang out in the basement. Just, you know, keep doing that." he nodded curtly, and quickly left the countries gawking in awe.  
"Vhat? Are... not all ze states are maniacs?" Germany wondered.

"This is wonderful, maybe America-san hasn't tricked us. Berry good," Japan agreed.

"YAAAAAAY!" Italy cheered.

"The douche still owe me money, aru..." China mumbled under his breath, though his eyes shined in anticipation. You know, of not being cooped up all day.

The countries charged out of their guest rooms, and greeted Russia, France, and Britain, who were also told by Vermont that they could actually befriend some states. They all hurried downstairs, past West Virginia and Virginia, who were fighting about something involving dirty socks, and leaving them everywhere, careful to avoid the zany states they'd already met. As the went downstairs, Britain shivered. "Who knows what the bloody hell America's got hidden away in his basement?" he said his uncertainly. Then, he turned away and grumbled to himself, "Maybe some dead commanders from the revolution..."

As the stepped into the basement, there was a one-sided conversation that everyone could hear. "For the last time, Steve! I'm glad you like me and all, but you need to... okay, okay, I'm sorry, but you really have to... no, no! Stop cutting me off, you can't have my underwear... STEVE! Listen to me! You have to stop stalking me, okay? Really, it's wrong, and illegal! I don't want to bring the cops into this... yeah, we're friends, but it's not cool! So, really, stop! ...That's it! This conversation is over! Listen, just stop stalking me! Now then, good RIDDANCE!"  
Another voice sounded, full of disapproval. "You have such a good temper, Kayla. I would've either told him to fuck off or kick his ass."*

The countries all walked into the room. Everyone barely batted an eye. "_Bonjour, les amis!_" France exclaimed, "It is lovely to see you all! Do you invite us to sit?"

A girl who looked to be 16 with amber eyes and almost dark gray hair, which was currently all in a long, long braid, looked up. She was dressed in a baggy T-shirt and jeans, and had a forced smile plastered on her face. "Sure, I guess... you can, uh, sit there." It was the person who had been speaking on the phone.  
"Danke," Germany said politely, sitting. "Now zen, please introduce yourselves. I am Germany, vis is Italy, China, Japan, Britain, France, and... hey, v-vat happened to Russia?"

All of the nations looked around, puzzled.

China sighed in what seemed to be relief. "It does not matter. He will just kill anyone who make him mad."

The countries then shrugged, with the occasional murmur of agreement.

The girl looked confused for a moment, then shook her head. "Okay, well, uh, I'm Maine. That's Utah, Illinois, Minnesota, and Oregon." she stepped aside so the nations could all peer at the states.

Oregon was a slender girl with brown hair, dressed in all pink. She smiled, then went back to texting away on her phone.

Minnesota didn't bother looking up. She, on the other hand, wore glasses, was dressed in all black, and had black hair, with just the tips dyed red.

Illinois frowned, but waved at the nations anyway. She had long, blonde hair, and wore a teal shirt with black jeans.

Utah put up one hand in a friendly gesture, as though she were about to high five someone, but quickly returned back to her book. She also had dirty blonde hair, but it was shorter than Illinois's and stuffed messily into a ponytail. She had a blue T-shirt on and black sweatpants.

Britain nodded, then, suddenly, burst out with a desperate, "Why is everyone in your house bloody insane!?"

Utah shrugged, "I dunno." she closed her book, and looked up at the countries. "Why are you guys even here?"  
Italy was the first to answer, "You won't turn Germany into a zombie, like that meanie Texas!"

Illinois blinked. "What?"  
Britain sighed. "Nevermind. Listen, we just want to know what-" he was interrupted by a shriek from Maine.

"AAAHHH! Steve, go away!"

No one had noticed, but someone had snuck into the basement. Someone who looked an awful lot like Stephen King. He approached Maine with a mischievous glint in his eye. "Hey..." he hissed.  
Maine acted quickly, and threw a tissue box at him.  
Illinois hurled a speaker.

**I never would have finished this if I didn't have the Soldier Side to draw me to my computer, like a moth to a light. It's addictive. Sorry this took so long, my computer broke and the family one is seriously popular.**

***These guys are based on me and my misfit friends. |D I'm Utah... xD Guess who's speaking.**

** (It's not me, it's Lily. She is seriously aggressive.)**


	4. Give me Beer, or Give me Death

**Okay. That last chapter failed.**

**;; **

**I tried, people. I tried.**

**WISH ME LUCK WITH THIS ONE!**

**I don't own hetalia. I really should have said that in the past two chapters... hmm... I didn't own it then either! I kinda planned this chapter out... it'll be better.**

Illinois hissed a warning at Stephen King, who made a hasty retreat upstairs and, hopefully, out the front door. China looked up, "Who was that?" he asked, puzzled.  
Maine shook her head disapprovingly, "Steve. Stephen King. He's a stalker... I ought to call the cops sometime. I just don't know what to do with him anymore." She gave a long, drawn out sigh.

Germany blinked, and opened his mouth to speak. Without warning, he slumped in his seat on the plush couch, passed out.

Italy screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAHHH! Germany, Germany! GERMANY'S DEAD! WAAAAAAH!"

Illinois calmly got up and ambled slowly over, while everyone else stared in shock. She slapped Italy, and snarled, "Shut up! He's not dead, he's just unconscious." she turned to Germany, and carefully inspected his body. "Ah... I've seen this before. I think he's experiencing withdrawal. You can tell 'cause he's purple. But with something he can't live without. This happened to New York once. For some reason Florida was terrified he'd die of some sorta caffeine overdose from his coffee, and made him go cold turkey. Needless to say, that didn't work out." she stood up and glanced at the nations expectantly.

"Well?" she growled, "What does he need?"

"A doctor, probably..." grumbled France. "Ask Italy, they're always sexing each other up. Maybe they just need to get together, lie down on the bed, fondle each other's-"

"FROG!" shrieked Britain, "Don't involve us in your homoerotic fantasies! We have fangirls for that! Now then, considering he's Germany, it's probably beer. Italy, has he had his bloody alcohol?"

Italy was blubbering some incomprehensible nonsense, then, as if he'd suddenly been enlightened, he shrieked, "YAAAAAAAAAY! Germany's not dead! He hasn't had his beer in two months! He was still trying to set a good example for Japaaan~"

Illinois shrugged. "Alright then, let's get 'em some beer." she then pouted for a moment, and grumbled, "You don't happen to know you're way to the Blue Moon Pub, do you?" when the countries stared blankly at her, Illinois sighed, "I'll take you there."

It never crossed the country's minds that they could just go out and buy some beer like sensible people.

Oh, no... that would make too much sense.

The nations, along with Illinois, dragged the unconscious Germany up the steps, barely able to carry him. "He's almost as heavy as Alfred," wheezed Britain.

Before the countries questioned how Britain knew how heavy America was, Illinois grunted, "Italy, get OFF the dead guy before I punch you in the head,"

"GERMANY'S DEAD!?"

Illinois let him go on for a while, until, finally, they all reached the door. "Hush, _mon ami," _France said, as he yanked Germany's arm practically out of it's socket, "he is not dead."  
Nobody bothered to ask what they were doing, dragging Germany's unconscious body around. Stranger things have happened in the Jones household. As everyone finally approached the door, Germany grunted, beginning to stir. "Vhat ze hell? Vhy are you pulling on me? Vhy am I not in the basement?"  
He slowly clambered to his feet, and stared blankly everyone, waiting for an explanation.

"You, um... passed out. From withdrawal... uh, from not having any beer." Britain said bluntly.  
Germany sighed, and growled, "Vell, okay... I should drink some beer, zen."  
Illinois sighed, "Must I take you all out to a bar? Seriously, do you know how trashy the Blue Moon Pub is?*"  
Britain frowned, thinking for a moment. "You're probably right... I don't exactly have a good history with drinking."  
At that, China snorted his discontempt, "You mean you are a drunk?"

Britain didn't answer.

Illinois sighed, pouting for a heartbeat, then looked up and snarled, "Well, _I _need to do anything else for you. Besides, I love the US and all, but our beer sucks."

Before the countries could object, she leapt away, and retreated back downstairs.  
Germany frowned. "Vell zen, I vill just ask someone else vhere to get beer." With that, he cleared his throat, and calmly set out into the family room.  
There were, at least, twenty couches, each of which had at least one person on it, that were scattered around a large, flat screen television. That of which had baseball on.  
Germany knew of baseball. At one point, there were youth organizations set up to introduce germans to America culture. He didn't dislike the sport, but it wasn't exactly thrilling for him. Currently, the NY Yankees were playing the Boston Red Sox.  
Germany couldn't have picked a worse time to enter.

New York was laughing hysterically, because, _as usual, _the Yankees were beating the Red Sox (Oh god, I know someone's going to murder me in my sleep. Americans. Don't fuck with our baseball.*). New York was proceeding to mockingly scream at Massachusetts, who was being held back by Connecticut and Ohio as he mercilessly tried to stab New York.  
New York scored a homerun.

Massachusetts wept, and started making snide comments about the Mets(not a fan ;;), who, unfortunately, suck. New York cringed, and yelled, "Whateva, the mets ain't what we're tawkin' about! Wea' talkin' about how bad the Red Sox ah!"  
Germany quickly left that room, and entered the kitchen, which housed multiple fridges, tables, appliances, and cabinets. He opened the first refrigerator's door, and began to rummage for some alcohol. All this contained was cheap meat products. The next fridge held dairy. "This could take all day," he muttered. Luckily, at the sixth fridge, he found a small case of _budlight (_which I also do not own.). He quickly tore the first can from the plastic holder, and gulped it down. He gagged at the repulsive taste, but for the good of his health, drank it anyway. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted Wisconsin slinking casually over to where he stood. _He probably just wants some food, _Germany thought uncertainly, _Americans eat food a lot, _

Germany continued to guzzle down the six pack of beer, however much he disliked it. Wisconsin continued to walk over to him, very leisurely. But, that didn't matter, right? There were tons of states bustling around the kitchen, cooking, grazing, or just hanging out.  
Virginia, who approached the fridge he was standing at, turned to look at Germany, and gasped in horror. Puzzled, Germany looked at her. She did not appear disgusted by his constant beer drinking, she looked pitiful and terrified. "Vhat is wrong?" he wondered aloud.

Virginia's eyes widened, and she squeaked, "R-run!"

Germany raised an eyebrow, but didn't budge. "Vhy?" he asked.  
Wisconsin suddenly spun him around, and spat, "That is mine! And you drank it!"  
Germany's eyes widened as he turned to run, panic rising in his throat. "Aa-aaah!"

Disturbed by the commotion, New York looked up from his spot on the couch, and shrieked, "Oh damnit, that Germany guy drank Wisconsin's beah! SHIT'S GONNA GO DOWN!"

Wisconsin tackled Germany with all his might, but inevitably, was much weaker than the large country.

Of course, they _were _in a kitchen, along with plenty of kitchen knives...

**Dun-dun-DUUUUN! Originally, I was going to have them go to a bar, have Germany complain about the beer, Britain get drunk, blah-blah. But I thought that might take the focus away from the states, and that's what the entire story is about. I tried to introduce some new characters for you, but I can't find anywhere to put Connecticut. I'm trying, people ;;.**

**Oh, yeah, and I googled that Wisconsin has the most alcoholics. Because I already made him Russia-crazy, only more violent, I was like, PERFECT! xD**

***I dunno if anyone has a real bar named that, but that's fake, and I don't want to claim ownership/make fun of anyone's bar ;;**

***This reminds me of one time when my cousin, my mother, my brother and I all went to a Yankee game. It was NY Yankees vs Toronto Blue Jays. We loaded into this subway, and it was one of those days, 'cause, ya know, Yankees. Everyone was crowded together, sticking their armpits in each other's faces, eeeh. It was unpleasant. Everyone's got their Yankee hats, shirts, etc. general merchandise, ya know. So there's this one bald guy, riding with his girlfriend, sister, I have no idea. Maybe a stranger, I don't know. Literally, (My brother counted the hands) 23 people were holding onto this one pole, the bald guy, his galpal, my crew, and me included. He's clearly chosen his fate as a wiseass, so he opens his mouth and starts spouting about the Red Sox. "SOOO... how 'bout them Red Sox? WOOO BOSTON!" stuff like that. And it's hilarious, because everyone dressed in their Yankee crap, gives him THE most terrible death glare. Seriously, I'm surprised he didn't just drop dead right there. My cousin, who honors baseball like it's the bible, is just shaking his head disapprovingly, like when your parents find out you've gone past curfew or kidnapped the governor or something. His girlfriend smacks him, and hisses, "Do you want to die? Someone'll beat you up."**

**I heard he died later that day.**

**Okay, no I didn't. But I wouldn't be surprised.**


	5. England's New Problem

**I got my laptop back :D  
But the E button sucks and rarely works the first time you click it... FFFF  
England: THERE YOU ARE  
Me: OH SHI- HE FOUND ME!  
England: Damn you, making me stay with America's bloody states.  
I don't own hetalia! :)**

Germany whirled around, just in time to see the large, sharpened blade that narrowly missed cutting into his jugular. Wisconsin was scowling, and approached Germany with a vengeance. He wasn't of a very large build, nor did he have a weapon.  
At least, not after he threw it at Germany.  
Germany sighed heavily, and attempted to reason with the furious state. "I am very sorry. However, it vas just you vish, I can buy you some more."

Ohio managed to slink behind Wisconsin, and began frantically moving his arms back and forth, in a gesture telling Germany to RUN AWAY.  
Germany didn't oblige.  
Wisconsin lunged forward, staring intensely at the small droplet of beer still resting on Germany's chin.  
He proceeded to pounce upon the poor, unsuspecting /_supposedly_/ straight male, and... licked his face. Repeatedly.  
_Damn it, the I keep missing the beer!_

_"AAAAAH! Pervers! Stoppen Sie leckt mich!*" _Shrieked Germany in horror, swatting desperately at his attacker.  
Italy chose that moment to walk into the kitchen. "Germany! We were looking for-" he stopped, staring at the extremely gay scene unfolding before his virgin eyes.  
Germany was screaming in disgust, yelling in German, so Italy had no idea what he was saying. Germany had tried to teach Italy his native language, as Italy had done for him (Or at least, the Italian teacher he had secretly hired did), but alas, he couldn't manage to do it. He continuously tried to push Wisconsin off him, but it was as though he'd super glued himself to the poor, unsuspecting, no longer straight nation.  
Italy began to spontaneously cry, screaming, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING OOOOOOOON! GERMANY, WHY IS HE LICKING YOU? DO YOU LIKE HIM MORE THAN MEE?"

France followed the sound of Italy's weeping voice, worried that Texas had gotten to him. "What is wrong, _mon a-_" he stopped speaking abruptly, gawking at Germany and Wisconsin, who'd managed to work his tongue into Germany's mouth.

The edge's of France's lips almost twitched into a grin, but the fear of Germany snapping and punching him in the face made him refrain from making a snide comment to him about gay sex. He simply gestured for everyone else, who'd been waiting in the nearby hallway, to come in.  
They did so.

And thus, all five nations sat there, simply watching as Germany wrestle with Wisconsin, who was convinced he could get his beer back by licking out what might still be left in his esophagus.

(I feel like such a terrible person now... Ah, well, I was going to hell anyways.)

Germany, finally traumatized enough, bit down viciously on Wisconsin's tongue, who flinched back in pain and surprise. He then finally took Ohio's advice, and hightailed it back to his guestroom, the other nations in tow.

Germany glared daggers at the nations who stared at him. "You vill NEVER mention this. Am I clear? THIS NEVER HAPPENED!"  
Slowly, the nations all nodded, but they still gave him pitiful, confused looks.

The next morning, Britain awoke with a start, just realizing one crucial fact:

There was a world conference today.

He stared at the cheap alarm clock which he'd placed next to his and France's blow-up mattress.

6:30.

They had precisely half an hour to get up, shove some breakfast in their faces, get dressed, shower, and make it to the world meeting, which was being held not far from where they were staying, in Washington D.C.

Britain sighed once, then screamed,

"MEETING TODAY! WAKE UP!"

Groggily, the countries all stumbled out of bed, all except for Russia and Germany. Germany hadn't managed to fall asleep all night, and Russia was still nowhere to be found.

_Connecticut was suddenly woken by the distant voice of that goddamn screaming Brit. He looked around at who he'd bunked with; they were also awake._

_"Looks like we'll have to launch the plan a little earlier," mumbled Connecticut, rubbing at his eye. Turning to New York, he once again asked, "You're _sure _that you can do this? I know you've done it before, but it's important."  
New York looked up from his perch on the cheap, stiff __futon Connecticut had laid out for him. "You fuckin' kidding me? I can do it."  
Before him lay an array of different merchandise; I NY T-shirts, Yankee and Mets hats, many extraordinarily ugly pairs of pants with the american flag design plastered across them, and exactly 548 used tubes of superglue. New York seemed to have every size for every piece of New-York related crap ever. And he had a knack for slipping them onto unwilling people._

_Massachusetts snorted, still in a huff about last night's game. "It's like you're super power, right? Only whereas we would get amazing super powers, you just get the ability to make snobby nations look stupider than they already do."_

_New Hampshire couldn't hold back his grin, "And Wisconsin's superpower is to make people gay."_

_At that, Rhode Island snickered._

_Maine wanted no part of this, and sat in her pit of depression in the corner. She'd already give up her bedroom for one of Kentucky's stupid... whatever he does, so now she just had to sit back and watch the demonic antics continue._

_Connecticut cleared his throat, and announced, "Well, I guess we're ready. Any questions?"_

_When nobody objected, New Hampshire just said, "Well, Blandy, looks like we're ready to go."_

_Connecticut flinched at the nickname, but he ordered the New England states to go do their jobs;_

_they did._

England hopped out of the shower, and snatched his clothes off the sink, where he'd left them. (NUDITY :D) However, to his surprise, they weren't there. Startled, he turned to the towel rack, and found nothing there, either. He gritted his teeth. _I've been setup! It's those bloody New England states, isn't it!? _

England called out, looking for someone in the hall who might be able to lend him a hand. No one answered._ Great, _he thought to himself in fury, _what's the time?_

Wh-what!? 6:52?

He closed his eyes for a moment, psyching himself up. "Oh, what the hell?"

Butt-naked, England jumped into the hall. Big mistake. New York was waiting for him, cocky grin on his face.  
England turned red in a mixture of both rage and embarrassment. Mostly rage. He'd kept New York for the majority for the revolutionary war, but inevitably America managed to win him back. New York, however, didn't exactly bond with England during that time. The rebellious teenager refused to cooperate with him, and was generally very stubborn and rude.  
"What the bloody fuck is wrong with you? Stealing a man's clothes? Give it ba-"

In one swift movement, New York had managed to both slip a shirt over England's head, stick a Yankee hat on his head, and was currently stuffing him into both underwear and pants.

It all took about 2 seconds.

England was still screaming, "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAANKEEEEER!" as New York stole away to go play the same nasty trick on the other nations.  
He twisted his face in disgust as he slowly moved around in what felt like a sticky, pudgy liquid.  
Gorilla Glue.

He shivered. What did New York make him wear?  
Hesitantly, he ambled cautiously back into the bathroom, and stared in the mirror.

New York hat. New York shirt. Aaand... England lifted up his leg to stare at, guess what, american flag pants. Even _he_ was even disturbed by this ghastly sense of fashion; France would have a heart attack.

"I will _kill _that git..."

The other nations weren't having much luck either. Why New York attacked them, too, and not just England baffled them, but they weren't happy about his decision. Truthfully, America supplied them with the New England state's supplies, on the condition that they'd destroy all the other country's dignity, too. Well, all except for Russia, because first of all, he still wasn't anywhere to be found, and second of all, he might snap if someone did this to him.

By the time the nations left, it was 7:12. England was officially late, not just fashionably late, by twelve minutes.

**That was my big project for the day. Took me a while, but, oh boy. It was entertaining.  
Germany: Oh god... it was... why... you... YOU MONSTER. You are böse... evil...  
Me: You tend to speak in German when you get traumatized, don- OH GOD ENGLAND!  
England: STEALING A MAN'S CLOTHES! HOW COULD YOU!?  
Me: REEEEEEEEEEEEEVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEeeeeeeeeeeeewwww wwwwww...!**

***AAAAH! Pervert! Stop licking me!**


	6. Author's Note Shiet

I'm afraid I can't continue this, for now. Dx SOOO BAD AT COMMITMENNTSSSS. 3: Maybe when I'm done with Hetanimals, but I'm not sure. I had such a nice thing going here. And I was so, so proud of my chapter names. ;3; Even when I'm done with Hetanimals, IDK, because I want to write something involving Antarctica. Crap, I'm so lazy, I'm not even sure if I'll be able to finish Hetanimals~

Sorry I got to so few states in this, I really wanted to finish it. But, again, maybe I will, at some point. You might like Hetanimals, though! :D It's a lot better than this fanfiction. xD Only, Germany doesn't get molested... you sickos and your disgusting fantasies. Jkbro. He gets impaled, though! |D

Anyway, this wasn't a bad start, for my first ever fanfiction! Here's how lazy I am. HERE'S how much I managed to write for the chapter at the conference room:

**I just realized how much I fail at pacing... xD At that last chapter, I was just like, "This never happened!" so britain woke up mmhmm.**

**Anyways, anyone else seen those Paint it, White bloopers? They were hilarious! Germany's brilliant! xD**

**Germany: I still... I can't**

**Me: Ish okay, Germany! You can kill America in this chapter! ^^ OH, that sounds really bad out of context. Hm... and, sorry this took so long! Life. School Dx**

**I don't own hetalia! Or anything, really.**

America grinned, twisting his head around to peer outside, into the hallway. He'd _almost _been the first country to arrive at the meeting; in the hotel room where he was staying, there was no New Mexico whining, no crying Hawaii, no murders, and no rape. He'd even had time to stop by McDonalds and pick up a few dozen burgers. It was wonderful! Even so, he'd be lying if he said he wasn't worried about the other countries. Actually, not just them, but himself, too. No doubt there would be attempted murder charges filed for Britain, and almost certainly some of the other nations, too.  
He sighed, took a deep breath, and sat back, waiting for what may or not be his murderers to enter the conference room.

Tick, Tock.

Tick, Tock.

The minutes were slipping away surprisingly slowly. That is, until a shriek shook the very foundation the countries of the world were standing on. Surprisingly, it was China who screamed first.

"AMERICAAAAAA! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU, ARU!"

"Oh, SHIT!" America yelped, leaping towards the door, pushing against it with all his might.

"LET US THE BLOODY HELL IN!"

"You're gonna kill me!" he shouted.

"DO YOU KNOW VHAT I EXPERIENCED? VHAT IS WRONG VITH YOUR COUNTRY!?"

"Th-they're just like that!" he squealed, too afraid to give a reasonable explanation.

Japan's calm, docile voice was heard, "America-san, you are required to let us into the room."

America winced. Japan had a point, after all. Begrudgingly, he stepped aside, and allowed the six countries to step inside.

All hell broke lose.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!? WANKER!"

"IT WAS TERRIFYING, ARU!"

"ZE ONLY GOOD PART WAS THAT I SHARED A BED WITH ENGLAND!"

"Why would you trick us like that, America-san?"

There was a moment of silence as everyone stared at him, waiting for an explanation. Korea interrupted the it with a simple, "Dude... what did you _do?"_

America did his best to smile genuinely, "W-well, eh, how are you liking America?"

No one answered.

Switzerland scowled, and grumbled, "You are late by twenty-three minutes."  
England spun around, his eye twitching in rage. "We're staying in the same house as America's bloody states! Do you know what Wisconsin did to Ger-"

Germany interrupted with a stark, "**NEVER. SPEAK OF IT**."

"I was staying there too, but I was fine, da?"  
Everyone whirled around to stare at Russia, who was glancing at them with an unemotional grin stuck on his face.

"Since when did you ge-" America began, but was interrupted by Britain, who screamed,

"Where the BLOODY HELL were you!?"

Russia smiled, and yanked up his arm, summoning Alaska from under the table, who looked absolutely _terrified._ She mouthed the words, 'Help me', but Russia's piercing gaze warned anyone off.  
"I have caught her, da? Now we can become one again! I will just wait until we mold together and grow to be mother Russia."

America's expression suddenly said the words, 'Hell no' as clearly as if he'd painted them on his forehead in neon green lettering. "What? Dude, no way! Alaska's, like, my state!"

Russia slowly turned to look at America. "I changed my mind about selling her. You do not have a refund, da?"

"The cold war || is gonna start soon, isn't it?" mumbled... Whatshisface.

"Russia. Dude. I'll call Belarus."

Russia let go of Alaska's hand, who quickly fled, yanked the door open, and retreated back to America's house.  
Romano looked at Germany's extremely patriotic clothing- well, patriotic _if _he was an American. "HAHAH! The potato sucking bastard is wearing America's clothes!"

Only then did everyone notice the nation's outfits- and burst into laughter. Of course, it was considerably hard to observe the "I 3 NY" written out onto their shirts, because it was hidden under America's blood. But the tacky pants were enough to make them all crack up.

"Qqquee, Cuuu, you're... choking... meeee..." Alfred wheezed as Germany's grip around his neck tightened.

"Visconsin... your stupid state... DIE!"

Alfred beat him repeatedly with Ohio's favorite stick, which he'd stolen. Ohio liked using it to beat Michigan with.

Finally, Austria shot up from his seat and screamed, "Shut up! Stop."

They didn't.

Switzerland fired a warning shot.

They did.

And so, the meeting progressed, every nation staying with America's states shooting him a look that said, _You're dead. _at one point or another.

And I even started the chapter after that, hehe. ^^':

England shook his head in disgust. The meeting had been exhausting; even so, he couldn't help but sympathize with America. At least a little. He had to live with this.

This...

MADNESS.

There, in the middle of the room, was Virginia, laying on the ugly, putrid-green carpet.  
Unconscious.

Wyoming was standing in front of her limp body, grinning sheepishly at the nations. He opened his mouth to speak, but France made him shut it by grumbling, "I do not want know, _petit démon*._"

Wyoming shouted, "REALLEH'? Thanks! I dunno who that Pete-it guy ahs, but ah am grateful!"

He danced away, singing happily, to his room.

France collapsed next to Virginia, groping her vigorously. "Damn it, France!" Germany growled, "Do you have any decency?"  
France looked up at the tall nation with a smile. "Yes! I'm just spreading _l'amour_~"

Britain grunted, glancing over at the clock.

1:48 pm.

Too late to go to bed.

_Damn... what am I supposed to do now? Do Americans do anything but yell and eat? Where did I put my book...?_

England sighed heavily, and distastefully grumbled an insult under his breath.

***little demon.**

****Soo... yeah. Sorry. 3x


End file.
